How to Get What You Want: Be Self-Aware, Label, and Request
A really great day can be spoiled by a brief moment during which partners overreact in a given situation. Frustration and moments of upset can occur at lightning speed, usually stemming from an unexpressed and unfulfilled need, want, or expectation.
For example, Sally made breakfast pancakes every morning during the week for her kids and her husband. On Saturday morning, she slept in late. When she came downstairs, Sally immediately became frustrated and upset and snapped at her husband when she realized that the pancake mix was still in the pantry, and everyone was hungry. Her husband was surprised by Sally’s intense reaction. The weekend was not off to a particularly good start.
Sally had an expectation that she didn’t even realize — which was that she hoped that her husband would take care of the kids and make them breakfast. Because her expectation was not communicated and upset ensued, the day was off to a rocky start.
What is the take-away for Sally to ensure that next time there is a different outcome?
It is important for individuals to be consistently self-aware. It is actually something that people need to practice on a daily basis.
Even before your mind can catch up, needs are often felt in the body. A good way to begin is to perform a scan of your body and mind:
What am I feeling right now?
What is going on with me?
What do I want and/or need?
Sally had gone through this exercise prior to getting out of bed, she would have become self-aware of her needs and wants. Then she would have been able to communicate her desire to rest and forgo making breakfast prior to walking into the kitchen. She could have simply made a request, “Would you be willing to make pancakes so that I can rest?”
As you get into practice, you’ll start to notice patterns and themes. Your ability to be self aware will increase over time. Understanding yourself and your own needs will allow you to communicate directly with your spouse.
So remember: Awareness → Labeling → Request
Be present with yourself. Get to know yourself. Understand your needs. Then communicate them at the right times.
Contact me anytime with your questions.