What Most People Do Wrong in their Marriage

When marriage difficulties occur, couples will often try to work through their issues themselves. They married each other to have closeness and connection and will try hard to achieve that goal. Yet changing communication patterns is not easy nor is learning to listen without being defensive, especially when this style of communication is long-standing and deeply rooted.

Defensiveness is a common threat to healthy communication patterns. What does defensiveness look like? Two speakers and no listeners. There is actually a lot of valuable information that spouses can share, but neither side can hear the other. Self-esteem and ego get in the way.  

Consistent arguing and criticism is tiresome. Then over time, spouses tend to avoid conversations and conflict altogether and the health of the marriage rapidly declines. A life of stable misery becomes the status quo. This cycle becomes chronic; and as it worsens, the relationship becomes more vulnerable to extramarital affairs or living as roommates without intimacy. 

Counseling can help replace conflict and criticism with connection and spontaneity. We work on how to listen to each other’s needs without resentment. We learn to be curious rather than hurt. Parties do not have to agree. Instead, we are aiming for the ability to understand your spouses’ lens more clearly. 

The earlier that we can change dysfunctional patterns the better — however, when a couple is committed to doing so, it’s never too late. 

Contact me with your questions.